Super Metroid 2: The Return of Armstrong Houston

[Emperor Ing]

MISSION COMPLETE
YOUR RATE FOR COLLECTING ITEMS WAS 100%
SEE YOU NEXT MISSION!

Samus wiped her brow on her ship, satisfied that she had once and for all defeated the Space Pirates, Ridley, and Mother Brain, all in one day.

"That'll show them," she said confidently, and took time to reflect on her past, which as she liked to explain to others, made her what she was. She thought of her upbringing on Zebes, her parents' death on K2-L, and most of all, Adam Malkovich, whom she was sure she would never see again. That was in the past, and what's past is prologue.

She zoomed away to contemplate on the nature of the baby's sacrifice, and what made her a strong, independent woman bounty hunter. The further Samus got from Zebes the more contemplative and self-reflective she became, which is the natural outcome of blowing up a planet in two hours or less.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Samus, Zebes rebuilt itself and was ready for round 2. But Samus wasn't there to stop it.

Chief Hardy looked out his window and saw Zebes there when before there wasn't a Zebes. After swearing a bit and chomping on a cigar sandwich, he called the one man who he knew could do the job and do it right.

"Gladys, I want you to get a hold of Armstrong Houston, the All-American, bounty-hunter bad-ass, damn it! I want him in my office, thirty minutes ago!"

As he hung up the phone, who else but Armstrong Houston, the All-American, bounty-hunter bad-ass, crashed through the window in full armor. His nipples were so rock hard that they pierced through and dented his power suit, which was blue, the color of patriotism.

"Houston dammit that was a new window set!" Chief Hardy started to scream but Houston stopped him.

"Don't bother calling Gladys I just finished a 5K marathon of sex with her and she won't be able to work for the next week. That's why my nipples are so hard right now and piercing through my blue power armor."

"For fuck's sake Houston, I lose more secretaries to you than some Bryyonian pop-star!"

"It's not my fault that they think you are some fat limp-dick pussy-licker Hardy" said Houston the All-America. "Hire lesbians if you don't want them fooling around like a pair of Alinos Zoomers in spring-time heat."

"God damn it Houston she was a lesbian you fucking maniac!" Hardy raged.

"Didn't seem like it to me." said Houston with a grin. "But let's get down to brass tacks Hardy. You didn't call me over to screw your secretaries. I do that on my own time. What has got your balls in a meat-grinder?"

Hardy marched over to the space where there once was a window and pointed out. "You see that fucking piece of shit-stain planet? Samus blew that up goddamn fifteen minutes ago and it's there again and I'm getting a lot of calls from the senate wanting to tear into my asshole faster than a sheegoth on a cattle ranch."

Houston didn't bat an eye. "Yeah I saw that shit and I figured you wanted me to take care of it. Samus is good but she's no ARMSTRONG HOUSTON ALL-AMERICAN BAD-ASS. I don't know why you don't just call me to take care of these messes Hardy. I do it quick and clean."

"That's not what my wife says, Houston." They both laughed and high-fived.

"Anyway," coughed Hardy, "fuck up that bitch Mother Brain and come back here and I'll buy you a drink. Deal?"

"Chief you are one smooth negotiator. It's a deal." Houston put on his helmet and space-jumped to Zebes.

Houston landed down on Zebes which looked pretty good for a planet that just blew up. "Time to get to work!" Houston said to Hardy who could hear him light-years away. Armstrong Houston then walked through a couple mountains on his way to Tourian and met up with Phantoon.

"Phantoon!" Houston laughed. "Last time I met you you were spooking kids out on Tau Ceti V! What in sam heck are you doing out here?"

Phantoon looked a little bashful, and glancing around, he tried to say,

"Well see Houston back on Geemer Ranch I got pretty damn sick of little kids always poking my eye and spitting on me and touching me all over like some stuffed Sidehopper so I quit that shit-hole and went around looking for work but since times are tough and I couldn't find any I decided best thing I could do was crash at my old pad which was abandoned but all the sudden this big brain lady was there and yelling at me to guard somethin' or other and I don't know what happened but was locked in a room and then this one crazy lady came in and I tried to talk to her but she just pelted a bunch of missiles at me so I ran away and then the next thing I knew the planet blew up but then it didn't so I'm a little confused and"

but since phantoon had an eyeball where his mouth was all that came out was "roroooo rorooro blooo roo lbooooblob aowawooboobo" to which Houston laughed and said "Well it sounds like you got it rough pal, so I'll be on my way. You keep up that act, now, 'cuz the kids love it." Houston then took Phantoon by the tentacles and flung him threw a couple of dimensions into this place called the Bottle Ship.

Houston put out the fires of Norfair by spitting on them and continued to go further down and ran in to another familiar face. It was Kraid, who was looking a little worse for ware.

"Kraid, you old son of a bitch! I haven't seen you since that crazy incident on Aegis VII! I don't have time to rough-house now, so fuck off!"

Armstrong Houston reached his hand into Kraid's middle hole, found the monster's heart, bit into it, and put it back in, and went away.

Houston looked at the sun, saw that it was about noon, and felt he had earned a break. He space-jumped back to Hardy's planet and had a thanksgiving dinner of sex with Gladys' temp replacement, and then space jumped back. Hardy walked out of the bathroom to find his temp secretary sexed beyond recognition and swore up a storm.

"For fuck's sake Houston if you bang another one of my girls I swear by all that's good in this Federation I'll come over there and fuck you myself!" But Armstrong Houston just laughed and surfed Kraid's corpse through the lava of Norfair and crashed into a newly-rebuilt Tourian.

Ridley was there but since he didn't want to fuck with Houston the All-American he tried to sneak away. "Oh no you don't you little scaly bitch twister dragon faggot, I gotcha now" and Houston proceeded to shove Ridley's tail up into and through Ridley's butt out of Ridley's mouth. Ridley said "urk" and died so fucking hard that only cloning could bring him back to life again. "Serves him right for fucking with helpless women." Houston said.

In Tourian there were a lot of guns but that shit didn't stop Houston who walked through guns, punched the Zebetites into dust, and pissed in the acid to make it better. Mother Brain was in her jar and said "Houston, the All-American! Stop where you are! I have the Federation President's Daughter hostage! If you move I will kill the girl!"

"Tough talk for an old bitch in a jam jar," sneered Houston who called Mother Brain's bluff and shattered her jar with his rock-hard nipples. "urk" Mother Brain said.

"Now listen here she-bitch. I am ARMSTRONG FUCKING HOUSTON, and I don't take SHIT from no OLD TIMEY BITCH IN A JAM JAR. You want to fuck with Armstrong Houston, you get FUCKED by Armstrong FUCKING Houston. That's the name of the game you brainy pudding-faced dildo-munching crone cunt." Saying that Armstrong Houston, All-American ripped out Mother Brain's eyeball with his bear hands and proceeded to skull-fuck the Mother Brain until she was really tired of getting skull-fucked. "Houston stop skull-fucking me! I'll give you the President's daughter!" said Mother Brain trying to be sneaky and trick Houston into stopping his righteous beat-down.

But Houston said "That won't work. I'm taking both the President's daughter and you with me and I'd like to see you stop me." He grabbed the President's daughter who swooned in his American arms, and proceeded to space jump back to Hardy's office whilst continuously skull-fucking Mother Brain.

He brought a smiling President's Daughter back to chief Hardy, and Mother Brain in brain-cuffs, which are like hand-cuffs but for the brain, and told Hardy "well Hardy, the job is done and you owe me a drink."

Hardy smiled and said "No it isn't, Houston. Zebes is still there! Looks like you're buying!"

"Is it?" asked Houston, and Hardy went over to the open space in his office where Houston crashed through. Armstrong Houston then shot a sonic fart out of his ass that traveled six times the speed of light onto Zebes, which incinerated the planet instantaneously and made every particle of it revert into anti-matter and explode. The explosion was so big that it outshone the sun for six-weeks straight.

"I'll take that fucking drink now Hardy you fat FUPA muff-mumbler. And you're welcome."

MISSION REALLY ACCOMPLISHED.

[Zynux]

Let us all salute to the the All-American, bounty-hunter bad-ass hero, Armstrong Houston.

[Emperor Ing]

I think this subforum can be closed now, since we're not going to get a better tale of derring-do.

[Zynux]

I think this subforum can be closed now, since we're not going to get a better tale of derring-do.

Yup, I agree. God Bless the United States of Armstrong.

But I must ask. How did you come across such a historical lore on Armstrong's legacy? Historical facts of his deeds are scarce and rare, because nothing is left after his exploits except barren wastelands...and posted American flags.

[Armstrong Houston]

I approve.

[VGMStudios]

Since when was Houston armstrong ever an american?
I don't remember anything like that.

[Emperor Ing]

VGM, do you really think someone named ARMSTRONG HOUSTON would not come from America?

Use your brain.

[VGMStudios]

Why not? He could of came from Canada. :-p

[HYRUL3]

Houston? From Canada? Blasphemy.

That was quite possibly the single greatest mission I've ever read about EVER.

Can you just... Maybe make a weekly serial?

It would make the hurt of no official Metroid love go away.

[Emperor Ing]

For your benefit, here is the first fan-fact ever written about Armstrong Houston, penned four years ago.

And my compelling argument in a debate concerning the best hunter in the galaxy from the same period.

[Naner]

Hah, I missed your Houston stories. Nice work, Ing.

[HYRUL3]

Both of those were fantastic. Bravo sir.

[Mochtroidprime]

Sweet jesus I am SO glad I decided to read that instead of skimming it.
That is the greatest thing my eyes have ever had the privilege of viewing.

[Emperor Ing]

Sweet jesus I am SO glad I decided to read that instead of skimming it.
That is the greatest thing my eyes have ever had the privilege of viewing.

See now, this guy here has got the right idea. Congratulations on enjoying this work!

[HYRUL3]

Did you register just to say that? I'm sure EI will be flattered.