Metroid: Avenger

[RoyboyX]

This is a story I worked on with fellow Wikitroid admin The Exterminator as well as non-admin TerrorDactyl. It's a story set after Fusion (of course) and details what becomes of Samus.

Here is a brief plot summary...
In the far reaches of the galaxy, an evil mimic has arisen once again. Having survived a crash in space, it seeks revenge on bounty hunter Samus Aran for destroying its species. It finds a blue, radioactive substance, cloned by the now corrupt Galactic Federation, and infuses itself with it. Establishing several followers, he prepares them for a final, bloody battle with the Federation.

I'll post a few chapters now...

Roy Dane: Invasion
---
We were stationed on a forest planet called Eliefa. It's a key planet for the federation; this is where our metals are all mined. There's been alot of people go missing tonight. We were supposed to guard this crucial facility. At first, I though it was pretty dumb; who would attack us this far in Federation space? We were told to go to bed hours ago, but none of us have. We want to know what's going on first. We've seen nothing, though. Even sonar can't pick it up. Wait... I hear something. I've gotta warn the others! We can't lose another! I dashed for the barracks, but was cut short by something grabbing me. It roared and flew higher and higher. Luckily, I shot it right in the neck, jolting its nerves to drop me. I had to warn the others! It flew towards camp and blew fire, killing everyone.

Roy Dane: Attack
---
They're all gone... every single one of them... Terror, he consumed them... he killed almost all of them. Those that are still alive were heavily wounded or will be soon. I rushed to the cockpit of my commander's ship. I grabbed a powerful, dangerous weapon. A Zero Laser, provided by the Federation, which I should only use in an emergency. Well, this was an emergency. I had to concentrate for this to work.

As I raced out into the area, Terror was circling the air, breathing fire seemingly randomly, only to be confirmed that they were aimed at my friends when bloodcurdling screams followed. I aimed carefully, concentrated as hard as I could, and then fired! It used up all of my suit's energy, but I could recharge it in my ship.

With Terror's energy half-sapped, he began crashing to the ground. I hightailed it out of there. The last thing I saw was Terror rip the head off of my commander and eat it. It roared at me, shaking is jaws. I shuddered. With one last move, I moved the ship in position and shot everything at it. It was dead.

Roy Dane: Reinforcements
---
The next day, many Federation Troopers, Marines and other members of the fleet came. They collected the dead bodies, and my Uncle Castor talked to me.

"Look, Roy, I know you enjoy this. Being a Federation Militia, and all. But, I really think it isn't safe. After all, you're sixteen and have a lot more to do in your life." he told me.

"But I have to avenge my parents! They were killed by Space Pirates, and I must not let them kill anyone else."

"Roy - "

"I don't care what you think of my safety, uncle! I'm nearly an adult! I can make my own decisions!" I ran away, not wanting to talk to him any more.

As I sat on a rock, close to tears, I wondered, why did my parents have to die? Why did my uncle, who cares too much for me, have to take me under his wing? I would have gladly allowed Samus to. I had to find her. I needed to.

As I ran, I wondered, did I have a crush on her? And, did she like me in any way? I was much younger than her, and I didn't know what type she was. I just blew the thought off. There were bigger things to think about.

Roy Dane: Escape
---
When I had finally outsmarted the Marines that pursued me, I took a breather.

Where do I go, I asked myself, where do I go.

I decided I'd walk to a remote, relatively unguarded area of the planet. There was a stream there. I could go there to cool off and come back or I could just stay there until I was found again.

A group of four Marines was passing by. I dived behind a boulder, trying to avoid them. As I did, I overheard their conversation.

"Wonder where that neph of Dane's went..."

"My suspicions are that he's hiding..."

"Duh he's hiding! He's trying to avoid losing his militant status!"

"Poor kid... all he wanted to do was kill Pirates..."

I choked on that last sentence. It was true.

When they left, I proceeded onward.

[Antiquity]

Some plot holes, or alternatively, gaps in the information of your story. Why are the marines chasing him in the final bit?

[RoyboyX]

Some plot holes, or alternatively, gaps in the information of your story. Why are the marines chasing him in the final bit?

He ran away from Dane, remember? He's going to meet Samus very soon.

[Antiquity]

Trying to run away from who? You never made that clear; the name "Dane" suggests that he's related to Admiral Dane, but you shouldn't have us assume that his uncle is Admiral Dane. But in any case, there is a gap - you need either some more exposition, or backtracking, or intermediaries in order to make the connection.

[RoyboyX]

Trying to run away from who? You never made that clear; the name "Dane" suggests that he's related to Admiral Dane, but you shouldn't have us assume that his uncle is Admiral Dane. But in any case, there is a gap - you need either some more exposition, or backtracking, or intermediaries in order to make the connection.

Yeah, he is related to Admiral Dane. Some more chapters are going to come up.

[Antiquity]

Allright; the fundamental problem with your story is that you assume that the reader understands the motivations of your characters without giving the reader information to rule out other possible interpretations. You need to include information in the intermediate sections between scenes in order to bring the reader more completely up to speed.

[RoyboyX]

To 'resurrect' this thread, I'll bring up a funny point in the story involving

Basically he and a bunch of others get kidnapped and brought to The Exterminator's (SA-X corrupted with cloned Phazon) asteroid facility, Z-SF761. He suffers a fate reminiscent of Lex Luthor's in that he loses all his hair and beard in a chemical fire. I visualize him covering his head with his hands and moaning and rofl every time.