FanOingo93 wrote:mental wrote:This is more like it. This is exactly the sort of "original" fan media I've been dying to see made.
(Are you interested in feedback as far as the writing/pacing goes?)
Oh yeah! Most definitely. I want this project to be as good as it can get. Any feedback on how I should keep the story flowing at a smooth pace is greatly appreciated.
All right. This is without question one of the best-quality Metroid fan creations I've ever seen; there are just a few really glaring issues. So if I seem particularly harsh in places, it's only because I think you're already so close to greatness. (Sylux can attest to this I think.)
First of all, the pacing in the introductory monologue is iffy. This is more of a performance/editing issue than it is a writing one. The sixteen-second delay before the first dialogue is just short enough to keep audience interest, but the subsequent Shatneresque pauses are really painful: "'Why am I still alive?'[odd pause]That is a question I frequently ask myself,[long pause]but for some reason[awkward pause]I can never find the answer.[overextended pause]It always goes back[overly-dramatic pause]to the flames." I think that could be tightened up considerably editing-wise, though from a directorial standpoint it might be good to encourage the actress to use vocal inflection rather than pauses for emphasis. (A touch of inflection/passion in an otherwise deadpan delivery can go a long way.)
Dead spaces are less and less of an issue with the editing as Act I progresses, but the timing remains a bit strange in places; for example, although the computerized voice says the self-destruct will go off in thirty seconds, it actually takes much longer than that -- if that is in fact the cause of the huge explosion we hear later, which brings us to another issue:
For the most part, the sound effects are a soup without context. We hear lots of combat sounds and Ridley roaring and explosions, but we never get a context for them. There's no dialogue or sound effects which directly link the big explosion near the end to its cause, for example. (Did Ridley cause it? Was it the self-destruct going off belatedly?)
More generally, as others have noted, we never hear crucial sounds like footsteps indicating that characters are moving around or whether they're coming or going, and no cues even in dialogue from which a listener can infer the blocking of most of the scenes. One example of this issue is when Rodney says "To save my family!": it isn't clear whether or not he's actually moving at that point. Did he start running and then turn around and stop momentarily? Has he remained in place up until that point (the gruff "Where are you going?" might indicate he's moving, but it doesn't necessarily)? Is he moving the whole time?
To get down to strictly writing issues, in the absence of visuals there are also a lot of things which need to be revealed (though not necessarily
explained) in dialogue. Who is attacking the colonists and with what? We do eventually find out that the attackers are "space pirates" -- halfway through -- but what are the space pirates like? What are Rodney and the rest defending from them exactly? (And actually we never get to find out that we're on a human space colony, or that Rodney and the rest are colonists.) What is the layout of the complex? Where are the pirates in relationship to the colonists? Why can't the colonists retreat? Do the pirates have them surrounded? Where are Virginia and Samus relative to Rodney's position? How are Virginia and Samus supposed to escape, and where to? What does Rodney hope to achieve by activating the self-destruct? What (in vague terms at least) does Ridley look like? How big is he? What is he doing at various times? In what fashion does he attack people? (Is that creature we hear roaring even Ridley? How are we supposed to know?) [Most of us are familiar enough with the Metroid comics etc. to fill in the details ourselves, but it's kind of cheating to rely on that. A new listener or a casual Metroid fan who hasn't read all that material beforehand isn't going to get it.]
The switches in POV between Rodney and Samus also get confusing, since we don't have any interstitial sound or linking narration to indicate what's happening. In radio plays it's usually better to avoid switching POV or scene as often or abruptly as you would in a visual medium, since without visuals these changes require more work to set up properly for the listener. (I also wonder whether it makes sense to use Rodney as a POV character if these are supposed to be Samus' memories.)
In short, a lot of really important information is getting left out from the dialogue and sound effects.
Still really good though. Please keep us updated.
